Yesterday I looked out the window and saw for what felt like the umpteenth millionth time... snow fluttering through the waving lengths of bare willow tree branches. I know part of it is the weather, but part of it is also this time of year... it's just hard.
I want to put my head in the sand and pretend I am not approaching the third anniversary of some of the most challenging days of my life... Unfortunately, I discovered that I had done myself a disservice in the last two years by doing just that... being too busy to remember the anniversary of filing for divorce and all the following problems.
It was easy the first year to look over these dates... I was still deep in the trenches of working out a suitable parenting plan, Covid had the kids and me in lockdown (focused on getting through virtual school), and my boyfriend (now husband) and I were taking the next steps in our relationship, so this anniversary was overlooked and overshadowed by my firmly moving on.
The second year, I similarly busied myself... moving into a new home, planning a trip to Disneyland, finishing my Master's program, and FINALLY publishing the first two of my children's books.
In a way, I semi-reclaimed the date I filed for divorce when my book was released on the same day. And while that wasn't intentional, it felt fitting.
But... This year has been more challenging. The weather has been awful. When we usually would be preparing garden starts, we've been shoveling snow off the driveway. And the fatigue of coparenting with the same relentlessly unreasonable coparent who hasn't changed their behavior in three years... has made this snow-filled spring feel colder and more bitter than I'd been willing to admit (except in counseling and to close friends/family).
So this year, I face it. I meet the third anniversary of making the most significant move in my adult life... toward freedom and happiness... and I'm allowing myself to take a moment and grieve that I was right. Nothing would have changed if I had stayed, nothing for the better anyway.
And with that, I look forward to warmer weather. I look forward to putting my hands in the soil of my garden and watching my kids play outside, and admiring how much they have grown in the last three years. I can be hopeful that even if it does snow one or three more times before then... this is just a season. And it will soon be Spring.